Help!!!

My name is Dick, and I am a blogger that has been targeted by an anonymous slanderer who leaves the most insulting comments about me in my friends' blogs, please track this person down and leave him a message stating that he deserved to be drawn, quartered, hung, flogged and bashed up by 10 men. Do inform me once the comment has been left on his blog and also send me the URL. Thank you, I am willing to pay you $100 for the job, do you accept? I will be eagerly waiting for your reply.

Another one for Lionel, please

Here's another message from a customer

My dear friend John has told me about the services you offer, and I am greatly impressed by your intrepidness. I am yet another victim of Lionel's sharp pen, as he has revealed some unspeakable things I have done in a bar at Broadway. So, you would have my deepest gratifications if you could give Lionel the punch that you promised John and also a black eye. I will pay $1000 for your efforts. Enclosed is $500 as a deposit, thank you and I look forward to reading about your success.